A Random But Normal Cullen Day
by xFinnickthePervx
Summary: It's another Random but Normal day with the cullens as there's Volvo dints, singing, lusting for bumperstickers, yo mammas so fat fights,losing pink marshmallows and many more to come so strap yourself in! Rated T, just in case.
1. Chapter 1

Hi!!! Enjoy and I don't want to remind you too review.

Fact of the day: I don't own twilight.

J POV

Okay.

First time I have ever felt this feeling. Especially towards my soul mate.

It's like, whoa like. OMG? Why is this like happening.

Well, I mean, pssh, I wouldn't say that....

Anyway, so right now were at school and Alice is sitting next to me. And I feel weird because 1) I have figured that everyone feels more attached, love, like more, whatever, towards Alice than me.

And now I am Jealous!

I am trying to block it out by biting myself but I don't think it's working because Alice keeps nudging me and whenever I look at her, it reminds me of how everyone likes her more!

And it's not fair! I actually feel like crying, i can't but i can dry cry but Emmet would catch me and call me a pussy non-stop for three months.

-Shudder-. That brings back terrible memories.

I sighed and shifted around to maybe feel a bit more comfortable in these stupid wooden chairs they have at this stupid school. Such a bunch of low life's. Hmm... reminds me of a song.

"Something, something, jean, jean, boots with the fur, the hole club looking at her, she hit the flutie, and the next day you know, somma got low, low, low, low, low..."

Hmm.... i kinda forgot how much lows there are, oh well, next verse.

"A bagga something' pants with the Reebox in the strand, turn around and get a big bootie in a slan, she hit the flutie, and the next day you know, somma got low, low, low, low, low..."

I pretty sure that's how the song goes.

Brrriiinnnnggg!!!

Yay! The bell! God I have been waiting for this moment, the passionate outburst that feels me with intensity and a whole lot of thrust that bubbles up.. Oh Alice has already left, crap.

I ran out after Alice, god, she could have at least waited, i mean, Emmet said i am the least liked Cullen, and that makes me sad, but i better not worry about what that num-nut thinks.

We made it to Edward's Volvo.

Ha, ha, i love that new bumper sticker i got him. It says. "Honk if you're horney." Carlise dosen't approve of it but i sent some waves of lust to him at the sticker and know he thinks it's beautiful, i mean, it got weird when Carlisle stared at it for three hours straight drooling, then he camped outside next to the Volvo singing "I will always love you" to it which is a terrible song.

We got in, me and Alice in the back, and Bella and Edward in the front.

Hmm.... Bella smells different today.

A POV

What the hell?

Jasper is staring at Bella again. How the hell long will it take him to get over this stupid "It is painful for me to be around humans" and that makes him 'extra special'. I love him but it gets annoying.

It's painful for all of us!

Yet he's treated with the most respect at school by our family.

And i tell you i'm sick of it!!

B POV

Jasper is staring at me, i can feel it.

Lol, it's cool how Edward can't read my thoughts.

Hey Edward, my super, sexy, mountain lion, the stupid lamb is feeling dirty. LOL.

J POV

What is different about her scent?

OMA! I got it! She has new perfume, few, false alarm! Whoo..

(Gasp!) I have another song stuck in my head!

EEEEEIIIIIIIIEEEYYYYYYYYAAAAAAMMMMBUMBBOOOOEEEEEHHH.

In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight, in the jungle the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.

Umm... oh yeah!

WWWEEEEEEEE EEEIIIIIIYYYOOOOWWW, BUMMMBUMMMBOOOEEEEEHHH.

Ed POV

Holy mother of Carlisle, he's singing that song again. God, wouldn't he figure that that song gives me urges.

Suddenly there is a huge thump on the roof, Bella screams

"BBBOOONNNAAANNNZZAA!!!" A loud booming voice comes from the roof.

I start to swerve around the road like in the movies to get rid of the mass murderer person on the roof.

"Emmett, get the hell of the roof!" Alice yelled.

"Woot!!! Joy ride!" He yelled.

A huge dint in my Volvo roof started to form as Emmet started bouncing around.

I slammed on the breaks.

THERE'S A DINT IN MY VOLVO!

A POV

Oh crap.

J POV

Oh crap.

Rose POV

(From in the BMW behind the Volvo)

Oh crap.

B POV.

Edward looks angry.

Oh crap.

Jake's POV

(From La Push)

OH Crap! I Just dropped my last pink marshmallow in the fire!

**Ha, ha. Pink marshmallow.**

**So, was it funny? I liked it, my first humour one too. Hee, hee. :D**

**The story of Jasper's jealousy will continue, but just review (oops, I reminded you) and no one will get hurt. HAHAHAHHA!!!1 **

**Yay!**


	2. Yo mammas so fat

Okay, peeps, ENJOY!!

Disclamer: I ain't own diddly scwot.

A POV

The ride home was terrifying.

Edward was MAD!! And when I mean Mad I mean MADD!!!

When the dint suddenly popped out and Edward saw it was super scary, he stopped the car and got out and threw Emmet off, then he just walked into the woods and we haven't seen him since.

Bella's worried but he'll be back, this has happened before when Emmet stole Edward's Debussy CD and dropped it out the window with Jasper's Avril Lavigne CD to see which one will have the most damage. Avril lavigne won.

There was some limp ripping that week.

And Edward disappeared for two weeks, we found him in a tree when jasper and I were hunting. He was carving a picture of a bear with a knife through it on the tree with his finger. It was awkward.

Anyway, Bella insist we go find him in case he does something stupid, so that's what were doing.

Carlisle has gone to Alaska to check.

Emmet and Rose went to Seattle.

Bella is looking in forks with Esme and Jasper and I are in La Push.

Were looking in a sort of bushy slash forest area near the beach. "Edward! Where are you?" Jasper called.

"Edward!" I yelled.

Suddenly we could here singing, it was getting slowly louder as we walked.

J POV

Singing?

The song. What is it?

A POV

Oh, god.

Suddenly i had a vision, people, around a fire, there pink marshmallows, and... EDWARD?!

I started running at vampire speed. "Edward is this way!" I called to Jasper, he ran behind following me.

I jumped out of the bush matrix style and landed in a cleared area, logs all around a fire and tanned men with long black hair all around.

"Cullen?" I believe it was Embry said as he saw me.

And there next to Jacob was my brother Edward.

"We were just singing a song." Jacob grinned.

They all suddenly jumped up and started doing wicked _**sequenized**_ dance moves.

Then they started singing in a nice happy melody. "Don't blame it on the sunshine. Don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the boogy."

OH. MY. JASPER.

I turned to Jasper standing next to me, he actually looked frightened.

Edward was just sitting watching them.

I didn't mind the dancing but the singing was terrifying.

Suddenly a loud voice started booming behind us. I moved out of the way as it was coming up behind me. "DON'T BLAME IT ON THE SUNSHINE, DON'T BLAME IT ON THE MOONLIGHT, DON'T BLAME IT ON TH EGOOD TIMES, BLAME IT ON THE BOOGIE!!" Emmet screamed as he joined in, seeming to know the dance moves.

"What the f-" But Jasper didn't have time to say the end of the sentence as all of a sudden Bella jumped out of the bushes. "EDWARD!" She screamed as she went over to Edawrd and hugged him tightly.

"Edward, I was so frightened, don't ever do that again, I.." But she trailed off as her eyes were drawn to Jacob as he started to brake-dance on the sand, is that possible.

"What the hell?" She said, her face screwed up with confusion.

"Just ignore the dog." Edward smiled as he did an Eskimo kiss with Bella.

J POV

Man, he's making me look bad.

A POV

I wish Jasper would give me an Eskimo kiss.

All of a sudden there was a huge growl from the wolf pack.

"What doo callin dog fool?" Jasper said with a rap/ very gangsta accent.

All the pack went crowded around Edward, all walking over like how the rappers walk in music videos.

"Are you deaf man, I called dew a dog." Edward said standing up inches from Jacob.

"You wanna fight buddy?" Jacob asked.

All the wolves wooted.

"WAIT!!!" Emmet ran up to them. "Let's settle this like men... with a momma's so fat fight!" Emmet said triumphantly smiling like an idiot, correction, he is an idiot.

All the wolves cheered. So did Jasper and Emmet.

Bella on the other hand looked scared.

"okay, black, you go first." Sam said.

Jacob thought for a moment. "Your mommas so fat, when it was raining she used the freeway for a slip and slide"

There was a chorus of "Oooooooss...."

Edward glared. "Your momma's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a tic-tac."

All the wolves glared furiously.

"Your momma's so fat her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard"

Sam clapped hands with Jacob "Nice." Sam grinned.

Edward's eye started to twitch as he stood still.  
"Yo momma's so fat,  
when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please."

"Ouch!" Emmet grinned.

"Yo momma's so fat,  
she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic." Jacob said, smiling wickedly.

Edward thought for a moment then announced "Yo momma's so fat,  
a picture of her fell off the wall!"

There was a lot of "Ouch!" and "Man, that's Nasty!"

Jacob turned to Bella and frowned giving her big puppy dog eyes. "Bella, who won?" He asked.

Bella looked at Edward to Jacob and then smiled "Well, judging by the reaction for that last one i think Edward is the winner."

Edward smiled and hugged Bella.

The wolves booed and backed away. "I will get you for this Cullen, until we meet again." Jacob snarled as the wolves' started walking away disappearing into the bush.

Jacob glared at Edward as he disappeared.

Jasper, Emmet, me and Bella grouped up. "Emmet, I think you have something to say to Emmet." I said.

Emmet's heads dropped guiltily.  
"Sorry Eddie, I didn't mean to put a dint in your Volvo." He sighed, kicking the ground.

"It's okay." Edward smiled.

The two boys shook hands.

"C'mon, time to go home, Esme and Carlisle would be still looking for you." Jasper said.

Emmet quickly ran over to the fire and grabbed a bag of pink marshmallows on the ground.

The four of us started heading back, going along the trail me and Jasper went on.

"Edward, what were you doing with the wolves?" Bella asked.

Edward's eyes darted from left to right suspiciously.

"Umm.... Jacob owed me uh.... a.... some money." Edward muttered.

"Money?" Bella asked.

"Umm..... well, he wanted a video.....a please don't get upset my love, but, a video of you." Edward said scratching his neck.

Bella nearly exploded. "WHAT VIDEO?!" She bellowed.

"Well, it was just one of you asleep, it only goes for a couple of minutes and he offered a fair amount of money." Edward said nervously.

"MONEY?! YOU DID IT FOR MONEY?! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME MORE?!!!" Bella screamed.

"But with the money I bought you this!!!" Edward said pulling out a golden necklace with a pretty diamond heart at the end.

"OH. MY. GOD!! Edward, it's beautiful!" Bella squealed as she leapt onto Edward hugging him.

"Well, all well and ends well." I smiled at Jasper.

We started walking further on, when we made it to the house Edward went to the garage. "My trusty Volvo, only needs a little fix of the roof." He smiled.

He pulled out a button and pressed it, the garage door slowly opened to reveal a smashed and completely ruined Volvo, the glass was broken and the front was squished.

Edward froze.

"Well, while you were gone I thought maybe a little drive wouldn't hurt and..." Emmet grinned.

Jasper, Bella and I stared at the demolished Volvo.

"EEEMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!" He screamed.

(Somewhere in Seattle)

Rosalie;

"Hello? Emmet? Have you done getting ready? I am not waiting any longer, seriously if you want to do it than you should be more prepared."

"Emmet? Are you even in the bathroom? What's taking so long?"

**Wow! It's longer than last time.**

**So, what did you think? Was it funny? :D**

**And poor Edward. I'd be angry too, but at least he won the fight.**

**Please review! Even a simple "Hi" so I know people are actually reading it.**

**You can even say something, just anything, but I need at least 10 reviews till I post the next story.**

**~Ally~**


	3. Hammy tastes yum!

Hi guys, sorry it took me ages to post the next story.

Disclaimer: Me wanna twilight, me have nothing. :( (sob)

******

J POV

Again, Emmet was thrown and Edward went into the forest without even looking over his shoulder. "Edward! Come back!" Bella called, she ran after him into the forest.

I watched as Bella tugged on his arm and Edward stopped her, placing his lips on her forehead. Then he said "I love you." And at super speed span off, leaving a pile of leaves gushing up onto Bella.

Bella stood there, autumn leaves in her hair, huffed and moped back over to us. She turned her over to the green forest where Emmet crawled out of, walking over brushing himself off. "Well, it went better than I expected." He said.

Then something very uncommon happened. I felt waves of anger and rage bubble murderously over to me. Suddenly Bella leaped on Emmet and started punching her fists onto him, sobbing as she screamed. "YOU IDIOT!! HWOW CAN YOU POOOSSSIIIBBKELLYYY DDDDOOOTHIISSSSTIOOOMMEMEMEMEMMYYYYYEDDWAARRRDDDDHHEEDIDIDNPOOTHING TOHURTYOUMORONYOUSHOULDDIEIWILLRIPPYOURHEADOOFOFF!!!!" She screamed. "There, there, Bella, there's no need to thank me." Emmet smiled at her as he lightly patted on her back.

Alice removed Bella from Edward's back and put her down on the ground, holding her arms firmly to stop her running after him.

Alice shooshed her soothingly, calming her down. Bella sighed and started to relax, "thanks Alice." She smiled. Emmet picked up now calm Bella off the ground and cradled her in his arms.

I felt angry. ALICE!! Alice gets the thanks! She could've stopped this! She could've stopped Emmet before he got to Edward's car.

Emmet started to walk to the house, but he stopped, he made a funny face and spat out a leaf before looking forward and continued walking inside.

I started following him when Alice stopped me. "We have to find Edward." She said.

I sighed and followed her as we went into the forest.

2 hours later

No sign of Edward and then guess what, when we felt no hope, we found something.

A piece of Edward's shoe.

"Okay, firstly, why is there a piece of Edward's shoe here?" Alice asked.

I shrugged.

"Let's keep going." I sighed.

We kept walking and found a piece of celery on the ground.

"Why is there Celery here?" She asked.

Why would I know?

As the hour went on we found strange things, a teddy bear, some butter, Mike's cap but none of it made sense.

But then I found the Aqua CD, things were starting to make sense, Edward sneaks his Aqua CD with him everywhere, doesn't matter if it's playing, as long as he has it with him.

So, we must be getting close.

E POV

After the incident I ran, as far as possible since I was pretty P.O'd.

I found a tree and set up camp, my own little pulley system that would catch animals but that was how I met my pet squirrel Hammy.

I caught him and as soon as I looked into his beady eyes I knew we'd be beatest friends. "You're my bestest friend." I said to him.

J POV

" There she was walkin down the street singing doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo, before I knew she was walking next to me singing doo wah diddy diddy dum dddy doo, she looks good, she looks fine, she looks good, she looks fine and I nearly lost my mind."

Hmm.... That song really relates to me and Alice.

A POV

Booooorrrriinnnggg.

R POV

Stupid Bloody Emmet, there I was, sitting on the bed waiting when he wasn't even there. He is so dead.

As I drove down the street about to get to the forest of my house but then I hit somethin'. I suddenly slammed on the breaks of my BMW and there was Jacob Black on the ground and not moving.

OH CRAP!!!!

I turned off my CD player playing 'milkshake' by kelis and I got out.

I had no time to loose, I had to hide the body.

I picked him up, ewww! Eww! And I threw him in the back.

I'd have to go back to la push beach and dump the body.

A POV

I stood, and I saw Rose, throwing the body off the cliff.

I came back from my vision and shouted, "Jacob's dead!"

J POV

Jacob's dead?

E POV

GASP!!!

I just heard Alice yell that Jacob was dead, then again it could've been in her head, not sure, it can get confusing.

OMB!! JACOB'S DEAD!! NO MORE OF THA STINKY MUTT TRYING TO STEAL MY BELLA!!!

Praise the lord!

A POV

"Praise the lord!" I heard Edward say.

I ran to the sound, Jasper behind me and ran through a bush breaking into a pleasant area, a circle with a bunch of trees in the middle and here was Edward jumping around and singing that song by rhianna, please don't' stop the music, at the top of the tree.

J POV

I and Alice climbed to the top when Edward stopped singing.

We jumped up to find him holding a headless squirrel and his mouth full, of god, Edward, you didn't.

"Uh, hi guys want some." He said after he swallowed and frusted the headless squirrel to us.

*****

It's not very good, not very funny.

But I promise I'll try harder, It will be hilarious next time, I promise you.

Okay?

Sorry.

Ally.


	4. POTATO DRAGONS! NO!

:D Hope you likey it.

Disclaimer: Me have nothing, me poor, me cry long time, twilight belongs to not me. *sob*

..........................................................................

A POV

We took Edward back to the house.

We got there and started walking to the stairs; we passed the garage to see Carlisle kissing the bumper sticker..... Again.

Edward laughed.

We all went inside the house.

It was dark, and quiet.

Suddenly the lights came on and Jacob Black was standing in the middle of the kitchen, his arm folded as he glared darkly.

"Good evening, Cullen's." He said. "Well, the remaining Cullen's." He smiled evilly.

"Remaining? What have you done to my Bella?" Edward yelled.

"Oh Bella, yes, i did see her somewhere, but that was before I forced her to marry me." He smiled.

Jacob started to pace back and forth.

"Marry? What have you done-"

"Please, Mr. Cullen, you're complaining is just wasting precious seconds of Bella's life." Jacob said interrupting Edward. "But when she declined my proposal, well, that was just the wrong mistake."

"NO!" Edward roared.

"Mr. Cullen, please." Jacob said.

He walked a step closer and pulled out a head band, from god knows were.

"I believe, this is hers." He said, throwing the headband towards us.

Jasper caught it and examined it. "It's-"

"Bella's, yes." Jacob finished for Jasper.

The brown head band Bella was wearing this morning.

"I have two words for you." Jacob said holding up three fingers.

"Lapush." He said darkly.

"Uh, isn't that one?" I said.

Jacob started at me. His eyes suddenly widened. "Oh my god, what the hell is that?!" He yelled pointing at something behind us.

We all whipped around.

"What, there's nothing there?" Edward said.

We turned back around, we could see outside through the huge kitchen window Jacob running away towards the forest.

"Alice, why didn't you see that coming?" Edward asked me angrily.

"I...I... wait, Jasper, why are you wearing the headband?" I said.

Jasper looked at us, his mouth gaping open, he quickly yanked the headband out of his fluffy hair.

"Yeah, but there's no time to waste, we must leave to LaPush to save Bella!"

We ran outside, passing the garage.

Carlisle had set up a little table with a chequered cloth, a candle in the middle with two plates of spaghetti bolognaise, and two glasses of wine.

"Well, Claudia, I hope things are fine, but, darling, I must know, will you marry me." Carlisle pulled out a diamond ring and frusted it at the bumper sticker.

"Speechless? Please do not cry, but, I know something that will make the night complete."

Carlisle snapped his fingers and out of nowhere a big man, with a thick moustache started playing the violin.

We passed them and continued on.

We ran at full vampire speed to LaPush, to the area were the werewolves have there bonfires.

We heard music playing as we came closer, a large orange glow started to appear in the night sky.

We suddenly realized the song was 'wannabe' by the spice girls.

I moved closer and stuck my head in, all the werewolves were dancing around, shirtless, as usual.

I spotted someone, a girl dancing with them, it was Bella.

I pulled back.

"Bella's there." I said to the boys.

We all stuck our heads in the bush and looked through.

Yep, it was Bella, jumping around with the mongrels.

Bella stopped dancing and sat down, Jacob appeared, and went over next to her, he placed an arm around her and then they started snogging, full on, licking each other faces off.

"WEREWOLVES!!!!" Edward screamed as he leaped into the area and started punching at anything he saw.

He started doing his victory scream as he started ripping at the bonfire and throwing the logs a blaze, everywhere, he was doing that scream, the kind of one Zeena does.

Edward was too busy screaming he didn't have time to think about what he was killing.

He ran over to a tree and started punching at it.

I jumped into view, doing my matrix style leap and did a awesome looking crouch.

I waited for Jasper to do his entry to but he just walked out of the bush and walked over next to me, not very exciting.

"Uh, technically, were not werewolves, we're shape-shifters." Quill pointed out to Edward as he was bashing the tree.

The forest around us started to catch on fire from the logs Edward threw around.

"Ja-" Bella started but she was crushed by the werewolves escaping from the forest that was now blazing with fire.

They scrambled away to reveal the now battered Bella, left half dead on the ground.

She twitched.

"Edward! Come on!" I yelled, "We have to get out of here!"

I grabbed him and pulled him along.

"Wait, my Bella! I must save her!" Edward said, he was about to pull away but all of a sudden Jacob jumped out of nowhere, he stared at Bella, "Sorry honey, I can't live without them." He walked over to a log that was used as a seat and picked up a bag of pink marshmallows, before he disappeared he kissed the packet and smiled at it, then he escaped.

Edward was about to pull back when the tree he was bashing before that was now engulfed with flames fell, making a creaking noise and landed on Bella.

"NOOOOO!!!!" Edward yelled. Dropping to his knees.

"Edward, man, she had an awesome life, it was her time." Jasper said, patting Edward on the shoulder.

Suddenly Emmett appeared.

He was naked.

"yyyooouuu gguuyyss!!!! I JUST REALIZED!! WE CAN'T GET BURNED!!!" HE said as he started running through the burning forest and he disappeared.

Then he popped out of nowhere, he was now wearing pants, but they had fallen down and were at his ankles. He ran over to the cliff and jumped off screaming, "BBBOONNNAAANNZZAA!!!" And he landed in the water.

The run back to the house was depressing. Edward was sad and not to mention he was muttering stuff like "A pink marshmallow is not as good as my Bella."

Stuff like that.

When we returned we found Carlisle doing something awkward to the bumper sticker.

"Just don't look." Jasper said as we quickly passed.

We got back inside. "Jasper, where's the headband, the only thing I have left of my Bella?" Edward asked.

Jasper scratched his head and shrugged.

"Dude, don't get upset, but, I think I lost it." Jasper said.

Then Edward started screaming again, so loud pitched that a human wouldn't be able to hear it.

"We will get revenge on those mutts, my Bella is dead, and they shall die." Edward said as he leaped up.

"Let's go." Jasper nodded.

"I know how you feel buddy, and we will get that dog back, we will have to start with the killing of his heart." Jasper said evilly.

I gasped. "We will have to destroy the pink marshmallow?!" I asked, striking a pose.

Jasper nodded, "I'm sorry Baby, but that is one thing you'll have to give up, I'm sorry." He said.

Jasper suddenly jumped up straight and gasped too. "But what about the potato dragon?!" He screamed.

"Umm... We will take care of that later." Edward said.

"COME! WE MUST GET REVENGE!!" I bellowed and we ran outside into the night, after the wolves.

.................................................

One word for you. Review.

ROFL. Potato Dragon.

Hoped you liked it.

Ally


	5. revenge for jasmerelda!

**I got some upset reviews about Bella dying, sorry guys, that's just how it goes....**

**Disclamer: Thanks for reminding me!! (Bursts into tears)**

............................................................................................................................................

A POV

Half way to LaPush we had to stop because Edward had a breakdown about Bella.

He was dry crying and muttering "Lion and the lamb...."

It was creepy.

Jasper said I owed him because he babysitted Bella when it was my turn last week so I had to comfort Edward.

I sat down next to him and patted his back.

"Edward, we know you're upset, but there's nothing you can do, nothing will bring her back." I said.

Edward started wailing loudly.

"There, there bro, just let it all out, it helps." Jasper said.

"Yeah, Jasper should know, he watches Oprah." I said.

Jasper gave me a nasty look.

"I will never see her beautiful face again, feel her skin, and never hold her again." Edward wailed.

I patted him some more.

"It's just not right, she can't just die. It doesn't feel right." He muttered.

"Edward, maybe we should go back." I said.

"No! I want to kill the mutt first, did you see how he was tonguing my Bella! Stupid pervert! He must die!" Edward said standing up and ready to zoom off to LaPush.

"Let's go!" I said.

We were about to start running when all of a sudden something fell in front of us, thrown out of a bush.

I looked closely and gasped as I saw..... Bella's old pyjama top.

We had no time to lose.

We ran in the direction where it came from.

Another thing flew in front of us.

Bella's math book.

Next was her childhood teddy bear.

We followed the rustling in front of us that was, whoever it was, was throwing Bella's possessions.

We came to a halt as we came to a large cleared area in the forest.

And all of a sudden Jacob Black appeared.

"Well, well, the Cullen's are here, once again, I am so pleased you fell for my trap!" He smiled.

"MWAAHHAHAHAH!" He did an evil diabolical laugh.

Suddenly something clicked.

"WHAT THE HELL?!!!" I screamed. "Jacob your suppose to be dead!!! Rose ran over you!!" I yelled.

His smile grew wider.

"Good pick up short one." He said.

"I am not Jacob." And he ripped off his mask to reveal......

.......

.......

.......

......

.......

No one other but the evil vampire James.

We all gasped.

"James, we killed you!" Edward said.

"No, I forgot to mention I went out of town just before the fight sequence." He rolled his eyes.

"My sister Jasmerelda came to Forks, you know, the whole tourist thing, anyways, heard about the human and wanted to help, took my place for me and well, you get the picture, did you know she was Dutch, made some really good black pudding.."

"You.... You must die!!!! You killed my Bella!!!! You stole her, and like, raped her, and left her to die for a packet of marshmallows!" Edward bellowed.

"Wrong again, Mr. Cullen."

James pulled a string that just came out of nowhere and a couple of trees fell down, as if they were fake revealing a large cage and inside, was Bella, behind James.

"Edward!" Bella yelled.

Her big brown eyes were filled with terror.

"BELLA!!!"Edward screamed.

Wow, he had a really girly scream.

"But, wait, hold on a tiny sec. Who the hell was that in the woods." Jasper said.

"Well, that was my Victoria, dressed up as that human, she was uh, she died." James said, staring at the ground glumly.

His head whipped up and he smiled like a scary rapist.

"But when I said died, well, I lied." He said.

He snapped his fingers and another couple of trees fell down to reveal Victoria, a large spotlight I don't know where the hell it came from, was on Victoria, just to James's left.

"And Laurent!" James said, gesturing to his right.

Some trees fell down to reveal Laurent who was picking his nose, he didn't expect the trees to come down now.

He quickly removed his finger from his nose and smiled sheeply. He was embarrassed.

"Now Cullen's prepare to die!" James threw his hands up to add effect.

All of a sudden, who was to show up but Emmet and Rosalie.

"Hey guys." Rose said throwing her hair back.

"Rose, what did you do with Jacob's body?" I asked.

"Well, on the way to laPush....."

BUBBLE VISION FLASHBACK

Rosalie is driving along in her car, her hair out and some cool mirror glasses on.

The song "Don't cha" by the pussy cat dolls was playing.

Suddenly a loud bark came from the back seat.

Rosalie looks over her shoulder to see Jacob is alive, his mangled body twitching.

Rosalie screams and slams on the breaks.

"What the hell? Stupid Blond. When I am saying 'I am not dead' I am not flipping dead!" He said angrily as he sat up and brushed himself off.

"Ruh, roh." He grunted.

BUBBLE VISION FLASHBACK ENDS

"So where is he?" I asked.

Rose rolled her eyes and gestured behind her. Jacob appeared his head was completely bald.

We all burst into laughter.

.......

Except Jacob.

Even James was laughing.

Bella was too, rolling around in her cage.

"I took him to the vet just in case. They suggested shaving would be easier to see if he had brain damage." Rosalie said, gasping between each word.

"He already does!" Jasper said.

We all started laughing harder.

"Plus, he had fleas." Rosalie added.

And we laughed harder.

Ed POV

Omg!! The best day in history!

Jas POV

LOL, too much hysterical laughing is making my emotions senses bubble too much.

Emm POV

Ha, ha, ha, fleas.

James POV

MWAHAHAHHAHA!!

Bella POV

I feel sorry for him, poor Jake, but I can't control myself.

A POV

ROFL

Jacob POV

.........

Back to Alice POV

OMJ!! This was believed to be the funniest moment of my life, hmm... apart that time Emmet tried to eat Rosalie's car seat.

Jacob looked down glumly as everyone was laughing.

Jasper was sending calming waves to everyone.

James was wiping at his eyes as his roaring laugh started to settle down.

"Phew, okay..." He said, then he looked back up at Jacob and burst into laughter again.

Everyone fell to the ground and started rolling around.

Jacob started to whimper.

Okay, it was time to get serious.

I nodded at Emmet.

He looked confused.

My god, we've been through this tones of times and he still doesn't get it.

"Emmet, the sign." I whispered, over the roaring laughs.

"Oh!" He grinned then he let out a humongous burp that made the trees wave.

The whole forest shook with the burp.

Everyone stood still and had stopped laughing and it was completely silent.

"Now Cullen's, and, uh, skin-head, it is time we must settle this." James said.

Suddenly loud music started playing and that song 'immigration song' by Led Zeppelin was playing.

Laurent, Victoria and James leapt up very matrix style.

OMG!! They stole my matrix moves.

That's it, they must die!!!

Edward POV

Bella!

She is safe! I must help her!

Jasper POV

Here we go.

Rose POV

Lol. Skin-head.

Emmet POV

"Were off to see the wizard...."

Bella POV

Oh no!!! They're gonna' to start fighting!!!

Edward be careful!!

Oh yeah.... he can't read my thoughts.

James POV

REVENGE FOR JAMESERELDA!!!

Victoria POV

Woot! I betcha I look good!

Laurent POV

God, they saw me pick my nose, they saw me pick my nose.......

Jacob POV

I am not really a skin-head right?

OMG! I just jazzed... I mean jizzed in my pants.

Why is Edward laughing?!

..................................

**ROFL. I burst into laughter when I wrote the jazzed in my pants part. **

**Anyways, FIGHT NEXT!! WOOT!**

**And Bella's okay!!**

**YAY!**

**Update soon!**

**But only if you review!!**

**LUV**

**Ally**

**xoxo**


	6. Important Author Note

Dear fellow readers

I get it, I am a lousy author and should be thrown off a cliff.

I am sorry and I have once again broken my promise since I haven't updated in more than a month, in all my stories.

I get it, its low! And I have excuses but I don't see the point. Lots of others work their bums off just to make their subscribers happy even though they have stacks of homework and a test the next day.

I have even considered just stopping and get my account purposely deleted but I know that I will eventually think of story ideas, which I am, good ones too but it's driving me insane since I am debating with myself wether i should get my first stories done or just go ahead and dig myself a bigger hole.

I have decided to get these stories finished once and for all!!!

But I just want to note that I will begin uploading again in a week (that's when school finishes)

Ciao, I will see you then

Sorry for any inconvenience

Ally C

xoxo


	7. FIGHT!

Note: Here we go! New chapter. Three special guests are in this chapter! Enjoy!

I don't own twilight or the special guests.. but I wish I had some of them....

*******

Jas POV

It was time. The last fight scene was starting.

But then, it got weird when Carlisle suddenly showed up right before we were about to fight wearing a... oh god, it looked so ridiculous. A stupid red, blue and white gym teacher outfit with a whistle.

"Oh lord!" Edward gasped.

Victoria, James and Laurent went at full vampire speed towards us. Carlisle jumped in the middle and blew his whistle, the nomads whizzing right passed him.

I heard Emmett laugh as Carlisle walked out of the cloud of dust the nomads left walking sorta weird. A sorta i-can't-walk-in-these-high heels-walk.

And I had to admit, it was hilarious.

We sprang into action. Me and Alice leapt up and smashed into Victoria. She sorta slipped under us. We whipped around then jumped back on her.

Bella was gaping horrified the hole time.

Jacob sort was feeling his bald head and well, it was all very weird.

"I have reinforcements!" Alice called to me.

I lifted my arm up and caught it, as she threw me...... a glow in the dark rubber ball?

Oh well, will have to do.

I quickly pelted it and it knocked Laurent square in between the eyes.

He fell back but then got back up.

Damn!

"Here to help!" Emmett screamed. "Bear power!" Emmett was holding a huge bunch of teddy bears pelting them at the nomads.

James grabbed one and whipped it's head off.

"OMG! Barney!" Emmett whimpered.

"Rose, he killed barney!" He wailed.

"Em, here." Rose threw what appeared to be a Barbie doll.

Emmett ran to James and stabbed the Barbie in his back.

"That's for Barney." He grunted triumphantly.

Edward was trying desperately to get around the nomads towards Bella.

Well, when a guy needs his brother, he cannot just stand there.

I started to sing toxic by Britney Spears. Because well, it definitely suits me, for my theme song.

I leapt over the crowd of Cullen's and towards Edward.

I threw my head back and suck in so my chest stuck out."Fear not brother. I am-"

"Come on Edward." Alice was already there and was helping Edward to get to Bella.

I suddenly felt like I wasn't needed.

"Oh."

Rosalie POV

Okay, Emmett is now screaming thrusting barbie dolls at the nomads. Maybe I should have thrown him a knife, or Jacob. Or something to stab them with. But now i knew that what i could do right now is.....

Stun them with my pure beauty.

I quickly yanked out my mascara and redid my eyelashes, I popped on some lip goss and pushed back my hair.

I only do this once in a while, my seduction technique, and i wanna help, Emmett seems passionate about this sorta thing so here i go.

I jumped in front of Laurent and did the most daring.... the most flirtatious..... I winked. Next i smiled lightly and licked my lips and I concluded it with a push of my boobs and he fell on to the ground.

"Still got it." i smiled, pushing my boobs up again.

Carlisle POV

I have to admit, it was hard to pull away from Claudia, we seemed to have split in two, after our time together I went to get her some orange juice, when I returned she was gone, ripped from the bumper.

She just walked out on my life, so maybe it was never meant to be.

I straightened up and sucked in ready to help my family.

I was ready to leap on Victoria, i had a direct target when all of a sudden from behind me "Carlisle Cullen."

Oh crap, i knew that voice from anywhere.

I turned to see Esme glaring at me, holding up my crumbled Claudia.

"You have some explaining to do."

For some weird reason the theme music to 'I love Lucy' started playing.

"Claudia...." I muttered.

"Esme, how could you?" I started to cry.

"Could could you! I thought you loved me.... Now get home before I start some ass whipping." She grumbled.

Woah.... Wait, she didn't just say that.

"But.... Esme, I love you. You are my world." I said.

"Carlisle, why did you do this?" She murmured.

Suddenly we heard a muffled giggle behind us.

Jasper.

"Jasper...." I growled.

"Jasper...." Esme growled.

Rosalie POV

Lol, Jasper is so dead.

Anyways, I love aeroplane jelly! Aeroplane Jelly for me!

OMG! Emmett is so dead, but why wouldn't Emmett have that song on his ipod? I can't believe he got it in my head.

Okay, focus Rose. You need to start some limp ripping. And a little fire.

I jumped up to Laurent and grabbed at his arm. It popped off straight away, actually, I think it even made a little pop.

I gathered some twigs and bunched them all together, then i grabbed a little rock and scraped it against my forehead and a spark landed right on my twigs. I chucked the arm in there.

Alice POV

This is going great, I just saw Rose start a fire so i jumped on Laurent and ripped off his head.

It landed right in the fire.

I clapped hands with Rose and leaped to James.

Suddenly I had a vision.

Three people, a woman and two men. Wait, the men are vampires. They will be coming in the clearing at Noon.

I focused back to the world and exchanged looks with Edward who was trying to naw open the cage.

Bella was playing Sudoku on her arm.

James simply dodged my leap and headed to Emmett.

Wait, it is 11:59.

Suddenly i turned as it hit noon at stared at where they would come in.

All this random fog appeared and I heard they're footsteps. Everyone stopped and looked up, Bella was still focused on her Sudoku.

Then they appeared, the woman was pretty, she had long brown hair and big brown eyes. She was human.

The guys were kinda hot. One had a serious looking face and eyebrows like Edward, and his hair was shark fin style like Edward's too.

The other was seriously hot. He had dark hair and ice electric coloured eyes.

They were both vampires.

Guy similar to Edward- Uh, is there a Edward Cullen here?

James who was holding Emmett's head and pounding it against a tree, dropped Emmett and gasped.

Edward- Present.

Edward look alike- You have some explaining to do.

Again the 'i love Lucy' theme music started playing.

Carlisle- Stefan?

Stefan- Carlisle?

Damon- Stefan?

Elena- Damon?

Rosalie- Damon...

Emmett- Rosalie?

Alice- Edward?

James- Stefan..

Esme- Carlilse.

Laurent's head- Victoria.

Jasper- Alice

Alice- Emmett?

Damon- Edward...

Bella- Elena?!

Edward- Bella.

Jacob- JACOB!!!

*goes quiet*

Edward- What do you want?

Stefan- Pardon me, you don't know this but you have copied my style. Our novel came out way before yours.

Edward- Style?

Stefan- That's right. Look at that shirt, I swear I have it in my closet.

Elena- Agh? Didn't our show come out after their movie?

Damon- What world are you- OMG. She's right.

............

Stefan- Wait, she's right?

Damon- Surprisingly yes.

Stefan- So? Our book came out first, we had the whole forbidden love, high school, vampire thing before them!

Damon- And our show is better.

Laurent's head- Hey, buddy, were kind of in the middle of a fight.

Elena- And it's so more realistic!!

Damon- yeah. What's up with this chicks hair, whose hair naturally spikes up like that.

Starts pulling at Alice's spikes.

Alice- Mine does.

Elena- Yeah so what? And why is she in a cage?

James- Because she's human.

Elena- So am i!!! Yeah!..... Oh crap.

5 seconds later.

Bella- Do you want to play Sudoku?

Elena- I see why not.

Starts drawing on Bella's arm.

Stefan- Get Elena out of there!

Edward- Hey, I am working on one at the moment.

Edward continues gnawing on bars.

Victoria- You know what? James, it's over.

James- Hah, funny, now let's continue killing.

Victoria- That's the thing, were not killing anyone! They're not dying.

Victoria- C'mon Lozza.

Victoria scoops up Laurent's head and walks out of the clearing.

James- Vicky! Hey, but were a team, like batman and robin or Spiderman and Mary Jane! I know were outnumbered. But....Okay, I'll cook tonight! I'll stop complaining about our non open relationship.

Emmett- Were not finished with you!

James- Revenge for Jasmerelda!

James leaps on Emmett.

Emmett grabs Jacob, turns him on and angle and stabs James with Jacob.

Jacob pops out leaving a hole through James.

Jacob- Umm.....Eww.

James- Hey, would you look at that.

Examines big hole.

Rosalie jumps on James and rips off his head and arms and throws him in the fire.

Damon's eyebrow rises.

Rosalie smiles with pride.

Laurent form distance- Hey, Vick, can we start a bobsled team? The nomads have a bobsled team!

Emmett- Well, glad that's over.

********

Or is it?

Next episode: Carlisle threatens Damon with a spoon. Will Bella and Elena ever get out? How does Bella react when Stefan tell her that every time you draw on your body 10 seconds come off your life? Who is our new guests that come to forks? And how will the female Cullen's cope with Damon and Stefan moving in with them?

Review, tell me what you think!!!

Ally

xoxo


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